[He's been wanting to do this for at least a week, but he's had trouble finding the courage. But it's past time for this, so he finally forces himself to go ahead with it.
[His voice is soft, and it's an effort to keep it from faltering.] I'll understand if you don't want to, but we need to talk. Please.
[To say the whole thing hadn't bothered him would be a lie. But that doesn't mean Tony's ready for this by any means, maybe less so now with the stress of Cesar and L on top of everything else.
Let's throw a cherry on the shit cake, shall we?]
If you're gonna give me a hard time again you can keep it to yourself, I got the message loud and clear last time.
[If he sounds a little snappish that's because he is, and still irate and mistrusting of everyone. It's not personal, it's self defense.]
[... He deserves that. He knows he does. He'd been awful. This kind of reaction is exactly why he's been so afraid to do this. But he takes a deep breath.]
[No, Nathan is quite sure he's the terrible one, here. He's the one who blew things out of proportion and took something out on Tony that really had nothing to do with him.]
Nobody is making me do this. [The mistrust is completely warranted as far as he's concerned, even without the doppelgangers factored in. Their last . . . conversation had been extremely unpleasant.] I overreacted and I was terrible. I'm sorry.
[Tony is just lashing at everyone right now, he'll calm down eventually. He didn't appreciate being ripped into like that though.]
If you're sure... [Because that seems like something L might do because Tony is pretty sure Nate doesn't actually want anything to do with him. Hnph, but... he can't be a dick about it, the apology sounds sincere enough.] It's alright. I'm sure I screwed something up I'm pretty good at that.
[He wants to take the acceptance for what it is and run. It would be so much easier than continuing this. But there's still a misunderstanding going on here that he doesn't want to encourage.]
No, it's not . . . That's not why. The reason I got that angry was not your fault. It's a personal issue and not anything you did. Taking it out on you was unfair.
[He'd known it was all-but certain that he'd have to talk about this when he called. If the conversation had gotten anywhere, of course. And now it has. Explaining himself is only fair.
[It can't be seen, but the fingers of his free hand are wound very tightly in his hair right now. He never talks about this. It's too unpleasant, he wants to forget . . . but he can't. There's a long pause before he answers.]
... My father is an alcoholic. [There's obvious effort in getting those words out. It's all he says for the moment, all he can manage. Not a full explanation, but it's a start.]
[There's a long pause, then a quiet and very understanding 'Ah'. Well, that explains a thing or two, and Tony now feels like the world's biggest heel in the history of heels.
Great going.]
...Sorry. I won't mention it again.
[He gets it, he does. The foster homes had their own fair share.]
[He tries to flatten his voice back out. High stress situation? Blank the expression, flatten the voice. It's mostly successful. Mostly.]
You couldn't have known then, and I treated you like you'd disregarded it.
I am fine. [Is he really? Perhaps not.] It's simply . . . That was when it would get . . . unpleasant at home. [His father hadn't been pleasant to him even when sober, but at least when there'd been no drink in him, it had just been words.]
[Except now Tony's learning what that means with Nathan, the blank face and voice are defense mechanisms. Okay, well, that's something he can understand.]
Yeah, well... we've all got the things that bother us. I don't like being called a dog.
[Okay being accused of things he doesn't understand is pretty high up there too, but he won't make Nathan feel worse. He'd just appreciate not being cornered about it again thank you. At least Nathan didn't get violent with him, that could have ended badly.]
Sounds like you're putting it lightly. L's told me some things, that your home life was rough. For what it's worth, I ran away from four foster homes. One of them twice.
[It's as much for himself as it is for the outside world. There are so many terrible things to feel: fear, anger, sadness, hurt . . . He doesn't like feeling those things. So he tries to go numb. That it shuts out the good feelings too is worth it, so long as the bad ones stay away. That it makes other children call you creepy or a robot and thus leaves you with no friends? Also worth it. Just keep the pain out. The world can't hurt you if you don't feel.]
It was still unfair of me.
[Nathan isn't sure he's capable of violence, even at his most angry. And frankly, he prefers it that way. Anything that separates him from his father is a good thing. He makes it a point to be different than that man. No violence. No liquor -- ever. The genetic component of alcoholism scares him and he's not eager to find out if he's subject to it. He knows logically that it's not just genetics, but it increases his risk.]
... It was, yes. [Of course Lazarus would have mentioned something. To have it kept in mind to treat him carefully. He . . . can't be upset about that. Lazarus wouldn't have -- couldn't have; Nathan had never given details on the circumstances behind the abuse -- gone in-depth about that.
[Another long pause.] ... That must have been difficult. [Putting that lightly, too.]
[A good theory, but does it really work out that way? Or does the hurt still exist and instead there's no where to turn but inward? Tony's tried it and it just made him desperate and crazy, but maybe it works better for Nathan.]
Yeah, well... I'm used to it.
[Which is probably a kind of depressing thing to say, in hindsight. Don't mind him. Tony has an unfortunately volatile temper, but it comes with the territory of what he is. It disturbs and troubles him, but he's slowly gaining command of it.
Doesn't make him any less violent unfortunately.]
[Lazarus didn't give him many details, just enough to know that he should tread carefully.]
[Even if it works better for him, can it be said to be a good thing? Being emotionally dead isn't healthy.]
It's unfortunate. [An awkward attempt at sympathy. Nathan is used to being called worthless. Doesn't make it any more acceptable.]
Whether running away was a wise move is debatable. [He isn't one to talk, having made the decision to stay in his own awful situation for so long. Had either of them made a smart move? Who can tell?] But you at least left on your own terms.
[No, not really. Kind of a bad idea that, in the long run.]
Hm. [It's appreciated, the effort, even if it falls kind of flat. Moving on.]
I suppose you could call it that. [Maybe there isn't a 'right' decision to make in those cases. Children shouldn't be responsible for deciding what's best for them, but when they're surrounded by adults who choose to mistreat them what choice do they have? Not much of one.]
[He really does sympathize; he's just not good at expressing himself that way, unfortunately.]
Yes, it is. [Being away from his father is better in and of itself. He'd pulled himself up out of the gutter on his own, if only barely. And things have been improving in general until this . . . setback. It doesn't mitigate what happened to him, but it's better.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Voice
[His voice is soft, and it's an effort to keep it from faltering.] I'll understand if you don't want to, but we need to talk. Please.
Voice
Let's throw a cherry on the shit cake, shall we?]
If you're gonna give me a hard time again you can keep it to yourself, I got the message loud and clear last time.
[If he sounds a little snappish that's because he is, and still irate and mistrusting of everyone. It's not personal, it's self defense.]
Voice
I'm not angry anymore. I want to apologize.
Voice
...You do?
[He sounds genuinely surprised by that. Not like Nathan owes him anything he's the screw up here.]
No one put you up to this did they?
[Suspicious tone is suspicious.]
Voice
Nobody is making me do this. [The mistrust is completely warranted as far as he's concerned, even without the doppelgangers factored in. Their last . . . conversation had been extremely unpleasant.] I overreacted and I was terrible. I'm sorry.
Voice
If you're sure... [Because that seems like something L might do because Tony is pretty sure Nate doesn't actually want anything to do with him. Hnph, but... he can't be a dick about it, the apology sounds sincere enough.] It's alright. I'm sure I screwed something up I'm pretty good at that.
Voice
No, it's not . . . That's not why. The reason I got that angry was not your fault. It's a personal issue and not anything you did. Taking it out on you was unfair.
Voice
Can I ask what that was all about then?
Voice
[It can't be seen, but the fingers of his free hand are wound very tightly in his hair right now. He never talks about this. It's too unpleasant, he wants to forget . . . but he can't. There's a long pause before he answers.]
... My father is an alcoholic. [There's obvious effort in getting those words out. It's all he says for the moment, all he can manage. Not a full explanation, but it's a start.]
Voice
Great going.]
...Sorry. I won't mention it again.
[He gets it, he does. The foster homes had their own fair share.]
You okay?
Voice
You couldn't have known then, and I treated you like you'd disregarded it.
I am fine. [Is he really? Perhaps not.] It's simply . . . That was when it would get . . . unpleasant at home. [His father hadn't been pleasant to him even when sober, but at least when there'd been no drink in him, it had just been words.]
Voice
Yeah, well... we've all got the things that bother us. I don't like being called a dog.
[Okay being accused of things he doesn't understand is pretty high up there too, but he won't make Nathan feel worse. He'd just appreciate not being cornered about it again thank you. At least Nathan didn't get violent with him, that could have ended badly.]
Sounds like you're putting it lightly. L's told me some things, that your home life was rough. For what it's worth, I ran away from four foster homes. One of them twice.
[You know, if you need an ear or something.]
Voice
It was still unfair of me.
[Nathan isn't sure he's capable of violence, even at his most angry. And frankly, he prefers it that way. Anything that separates him from his father is a good thing. He makes it a point to be different than that man. No violence. No liquor -- ever. The genetic component of alcoholism scares him and he's not eager to find out if he's subject to it. He knows logically that it's not just genetics, but it increases his risk.]
... It was, yes. [Of course Lazarus would have mentioned something. To have it kept in mind to treat him carefully. He . . . can't be upset about that. Lazarus wouldn't have -- couldn't have; Nathan had never given details on the circumstances behind the abuse -- gone in-depth about that.
[Another long pause.] ... That must have been difficult. [Putting that lightly, too.]
Voice
Yeah, well... I'm used to it.
[Which is probably a kind of depressing thing to say, in hindsight. Don't mind him. Tony has an unfortunately volatile temper, but it comes with the territory of what he is. It disturbs and troubles him, but he's slowly gaining command of it.
Doesn't make him any less violent unfortunately.]
[Lazarus didn't give him many details, just enough to know that he should tread carefully.]
Heh. That's one way to put it, yeah.
Voice
It's unfortunate. [An awkward attempt at sympathy. Nathan is used to being called worthless. Doesn't make it any more acceptable.]
Whether running away was a wise move is debatable. [He isn't one to talk, having made the decision to stay in his own awful situation for so long. Had either of them made a smart move? Who can tell?] But you at least left on your own terms.
Voice
Hm. [It's appreciated, the effort, even if it falls kind of flat. Moving on.]
I suppose you could call it that. [Maybe there isn't a 'right' decision to make in those cases. Children shouldn't be responsible for deciding what's best for them, but when they're surrounded by adults who choose to mistreat them what choice do they have? Not much of one.]
It's better now, yeah?
[That's the important part.]
Voice
Yes, it is. [Being away from his father is better in and of itself. He'd pulled himself up out of the gutter on his own, if only barely. And things have been improving in general until this . . . setback. It doesn't mitigate what happened to him, but it's better.]
Voice
Well, then things are looking up.
[But he's tired, and not very good at this conversation thing. Such awkward.]
Say uh, thanks. For the apology.